I have wondered a lot recently about who I would have been if the world hadn’t shown me who I should be.
My mental health took a dive this year. After years of relative stability, I was heading towards burnout when an accident happened. That incident triggered me and I quickly spiralled from high anxiety to severe depression. My healer told me I felt as if I was dead. That was exactly how it felt to me. I felt dead.
I increased my medication. I pressed paused on pretty much everything in my life. I focussed on life minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. Nothing prepares you for such a fall.
That was a couple of months ago. I am still recovering.
Thoughts of failure have run through my head like hungry wolves. The howling so loud I felt like my ears would burst.
One burning question fired on repeat. If I had never been mentally ill, what life could I have had.
I played alternative lives through in my head. Ones of possibilities, excitement, and achievements. I then saw the life I had lived. Was it that different? Would I have been that different?
I remember when I was a teenager, spending nights under the stars, all I did was ask The Universe questions. The past few months I have been reliving that. Is this a midlife crisis? Is this mental illness? Is this just being human?
On all those sleepless nights under the stars I never once heard The Universe reply. Now I hear it loud and clear. When we cut out the noise around us all we have left to listen to is the whispers of our hearts and the beat of The Universe.
From gender identification to life goals, from the moment we are born words fill our blank little minds of who and what we should be. If we’re lucky enough to get to the point of questioning this, unravelling it all can really mess with your head.
I have gone round and round in circles. Questioning everything, and then some. My conclusion: we can’t look outside for the answers, after all it is the outside world that has already provided our narrative to date. We are so easily influenced. Sometimes the only thing to do is to pop the world on mute, close our eyes and just be.
I have no idea who I would/could have been. I have no idea who I will be moving forward. All I can do is the best I can by ensuring that my actions are authentic, my words are kind, and that my thoughts are my own. I will appreciate all the things that truly bring me joy and trust that The Universe will always reply.