I am 39 shortly and all of a sudden, I hear the clock ticking. I never thought I would be “that” person.
I have always wanted to be a Mummy. No matter how messed up I was or whichever direction life took me, the one certainty was I wanted to have children.
Once upon a time it seemed all too easy to have a mishap but nowadays it turns out it aint so simple.
90% of my friends seem to have fallen pregnant straight away. With my twisty-twirly mind this makes me think I will not be so lucky. Not a great place to begin from.
Being bipolar and on medication was another consideration. Over a year ago I gathered as much information as possible. I read a lot, and my therapist and best friend advised en-route. It became a full-scale research project.
The first month we decided to try for a baby taught me a great deal. I immediately became obsessed. I cried because I thought I couldn’t get pregnant then I thought I was pregnant. Then I got my period and I cried some more. Quite rightly my husband said enough was enough with that behaviour.
Month two and I chilled the fuck out. Then suddenly people were falling pregnant all around me, frequently by accident. Then I got my period. I felt less crushed this time but disappointed nonetheless.
Month three I bought ovulation sticks. Now I find myself peeing on a stick each morning waiting for that happy face to show up. Day 14 and it has yet to appear.
It turns out that (1) free mobile apps are not accurate and (2) you don’t always ovulate. Excellent.
I want to be 100% excited but it is more like 50% excited and 50% just darn impatient; topped off with a twinge of doubt that I may never become pregnant.
When you want something so much it is all too easy to lose yourself. I have to remind myself how lucky I am. I am happily married. We have a really happy home filled with laughter and two beautiful furbabies. I love my job and I am surrounded by great family and friends. To top it off, in two weeks we head back to the paradise where we got married a year ago. I am incredibly fortunate.
So, I shall continue to wait for the smiley face but in the meantime I will remind myself every single day exactly how lucky I am, and focus on my own smile.
Can you relate?
P.s I really like this blog by the lovely and funny Clemmie Telford