Depression kills. It eats you up inside and swallows you whole. Lucky are those who escape its grasp.
I am going through a period of change right now. There are elements that are sad and which have made me cry, a lot. But, today for the first time in my life I face the world with logic like the grown up I should be. It is really fucking hard. However, nothing in life will ever compare to the battle I fought, and won against Bipolar, and all the evils it brought with it.
There were times when I couldn’t get out of bed. Days when every bridge I walked across I wanted to throw myself off. Hours which passed like seconds as I lay awake at night with my heart punching its way out of my chest. There were moments in my life where I thought the guilt and shame of my uncontrollable actions would suffocate me. Periods of change previously felt like the end of the world. Relationships were unsustainable and destructive. Once upon a time I would break down in the shower tearing my hair out, scratching until I bled in the hope of ripping my disgusting skin from my bones. Some days I couldn’t bear to look in the mirror as what stared back at me was so repulsive it didn’t deserve to live or ever know love. I felt fragmented and totally unconnected to the world around me. I hopped from one crazy thing to the next. I was exhausted. I was broken.
If you have not been there it is hard to convey the utter torture depression and mental illness brings with it. The time and strength it took me to overcome it almost took my last remaining breath. I was never going to give it. Bipolar had no rights to it, to my mind, or to my life. Quite frankly, it could go fuck itself.
My mum tells me I have always been independent and bloody minded. That I would walk over hot coals to get what I want. I thank the universe every day for this gift, it saved my life.
Today as Social Media mourns the death of a well-loved comic I can’t help but hope that his legacy will be one of change. Stigma has no placed left here. No one should ever feel alone. No one should reach the point of wanting to end their own life. My thoughts go out to anyone feeling that way. You are not alone.
First Published 2014/08/12