Be here. Now.

How fast do you go through your day?

Your week?

Your month?

Your life?

Staying present isn’t easy.

As a self-confessed post-it addict I have set myself the challenge to release myself from the grip of to-lists.

Over the past year my life has once again gone through significant changes. This year I really, really, really want to stand still and enjoy the moment. I realise now all my intention and goal setting has been inadvertently preventing this.

I am so grateful for my life. I have met the person I want to spend forever with, who brings more to my life than I ever could have hoped for. I have an awesome family who continue to grow more special with time. I have the bestest of friends, a home filled with love and happiness, and two gorgeous furballs who melt my heart. To top it off, I love my day job and I adore this site.

There is always more to want though, right?

I want to lose weight. I want to be fit and healthy. I want to grow my spiritual practice. I want to interview more people. I want to write my book. I want so much more because I know it is within my grasp, and yet all these wants are stifling my days.

When I stopped to listen very carefully I realised that  what I need (not necessarily want) is to stand still.

As I rush through my days, weeks, months, with my never ending to-do lists, I have found that my passion can’t get a look in.

I put on my to-do list to read certain books, but shouldn’t I be drawn to read them rather have them as a tick box? I am determined to write my book but that tick box prevents the spark from lighting me up with excitement. I want to drop two dress sizes and be full of energy and yet I overlook that this year my diet has dramatically improved and that every morning this year I have been committed to my yoga practice. I do look and feel so much better. Tick box after tick box I keep stopping myself from seeing what is right in front of me.

Staying present really isn’t easy. Is it.

I have recently joined new Facebook groups. I couldn’t be more grateful for the people I have met online who continue to inspire me and teach me more. Then suddenly, despite me being happy in my life, I feel I should be doing more. Why isn’t my book written? Why aren’t I speaking at events? Should I be publishing more articles and conducting more interviews? Is anyone actually interested in what I have to say? Then all of a sudden I feel inadequate, a failure and not good enough. Cue massive meltdown, despite me knowing deep, deep down  that I am successful at whatever I put my mind to. Why? Because when I do things I do them with passion and excitement pulsating through me. How can that passion run free when I keep restricting myself to tick boxes? How can I possibly feel joy in what I am doing if I put so much pressure on myself?

I’d like to say I have seen the light and that this week I have finished reading two books, written three chapters of my book, and interviewed enough people for the next month. I can’t tell you that because generally speaking life doesn’t work that way. These things take time.

What I can tell you is that I haven’t written a to-do list this week. I sent out an interview request to another gorgeous soul because it felt the right time. I have not beaten myself up if I haven’t made the gym or didn’t have time to do yoga one morning. I’ve realised my gratitude practice happens naturally so there is no need to force that. I’ve accepted that my worrying has increased since a bereavement last year, but it will take time to work on that.

Perhaps it is these small things which will help reignite my passion. Perhaps not. Whatever happens, the main thing that I realise now a tick box existence isn’t for me anymore, and that is enough for now.