Answers on a postcard please.
The most difficult thing about being asked such a profound question whilst intoxicated is that the fucker swirls around you for days. It continuously raises its ugly little head when you least expect it and throws you off course at any given moment.
Am I still fucked up?
If I had to isolate my greatest fear, of all the little fear fuckers I try to conquer, it would be losing myself to my illness again. That is some scary shit. No matter what life throws at you, if you haven’t got clarity of thought you don’t stand a chance. You are royally screwed with no get out of asylum free card in sight.
I am hugely unsettled at present. I soon have to leave the home I love. My job isn’t what it once was. Things feel slightly out of control and I’m jumping emotionally into things I shouldn’t be.
I work hard everyday to be Me. Maybe it makes me an open book, slightly kooky and easy target for getting hurt, but if you’re not authentically you then who are you?
I know I see things differently to many people. My eccentricities are as much a part of me as my head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Many people will never know the highs or lows that people like me feel. But, equally I will never know what it means to be you and all that you have experienced.
Grief, heartbreak and loss affects us all in one way or another. That is inevitable. But, does it make us fucked up?
If you consider yourself a failure in work, what do you do. Work harder or run for the hills?
If you lose someone you love, what do you do. Move on or build a wall?
Sometimes I still have days when it is hard to see clearly. I beat myself up for one thing or another. I question my actions and my beliefs. I cry. But there is one thing I never, ever do and that is give up.
This is life. This is my life. There are good days and there are bad days for us all. Sometimes I get it right, and other times I make really fucking bad/stupid decisions. I understand I can only do the best I can and that sometimes I can’t do it by myself. Sometimes I have to ask for help.
Live it, learn it. This is how I know. I am not fucked up. It’s because I choose not to be, every single day.
So, how do you know if you’re not fucked up anymore? Maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the question that should be asked. Rewind. Reframe.
Who do you choose to be today?