Opening Up and Letting Go

At the beginning the year I decided it was time to Slow Down and Let Go. Apparently neither are easy to do. After a session with the lovely Robyn I realised exactly how much I have been holding onto.

I rush everywhere. I give constantly, not only because I want to and can but, as it turns out, I am gripped with a need to please. I try to do a zillion things at once. It is no wonder I feel as exhausted as I do.

How do we really learn to let go?

As I sat in Regents Park looking at my four year old self, with her hideous bowl cut, I realised how early the I-am-not-good-enough seed had been planted. When I came to face my fifteen year old self only two words came out of her mouth, “Help Me”. I sat vulnerable with tears running down my face staring at a vast ocean with little and littler me telling them the truth; it will all be okay. Promise.

When you look at yourself what do you see? Running through life preoccupied by what others think of us and questioning ourselves, it is easy to forget that sometimes all that is needed is to stop.

I know I am worth it and yet my feelings seem anchored in the past. If I am honest I have felt this weight for some time now and yet the force of these feelings took me by surprise that day in the park.

How much does it take to really open up and let go? I wish I had the answer to give you, hopefully someday I will.

We are all fallible, though it is easy to forget. One of my eyelids droops lower than the other. I constantly battle with my eating and weight. I struggle to say no. I judge others. Comparisons eat away at me. I would never ever be as critical to another person as I am to myself. I could go on.

All I really know for now is that it is all okay, and that I am right where I need to be at this moment in time. I am who I am today because of what has gone before and I deserve to open up to receive, instead of constantly giving. There is a softness inside of me that needs to break free. My eyes feel heavy and a gigantic fur ball of emotions is lodged in my throat needing to be coughed up to enable me to release my voice.

I can’t help but wonder if for some time now I have been hiding behind the remnants of my bipolar, afraid to face the things that simply make me human. Am I  actually afraid to slow down and face all that I need to let go of?

Robyn has given me a fresh starting point and made me realise that I have a lot more healing to do. Asking for help isn’t always easy but sometimes we have to acknowledge that we can’t do everything by ourselves.